ReAudio: ReAssess Your Workers Comp Toolbox
ReInvent your Workers' Comp Perspective!
Things change. In fact, that’s one of the most sure things in life. Haven’t we learned that these past few years? ReAudio has changed too. Starting as a way to provide tools and value to our partners in the Workers' Compensation Industry, we have changed into a human interest podcast, primarily interviewing people who have overcome adversity to achieve success, however, that’s defined by them. Because change is a permanent reality, ReAudio is hoping to help you see our industry a little differently. Through storytelling and exploring different perspectives, Season 4 will guide you to ReImagine your Workers' Comp ReAlity.
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ReAudio: ReAssess Your Workers Comp Toolbox
Unspoken Truths: Understanding and Preventing Domestic Violence
Join us for an insightful episode featuring Mindy Murphy, President and CEO of The Spring of Tampa Bay, as we explore the often unspoken complexities of domestic violence. This discussion sheds light on how abuse goes beyond anger, encompassing emotional and economic control as deliberate acts of power. Learn to recognize the signs in those around you, and discover prevention strategies, including resilience-building programs like Camp Hope America for children and innovative support for teens using violence. We also address post-pandemic challenges, the vital role of community advocates, and essential safety planning, all aimed at empowering survivors and fostering informed, supportive communities during Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
To learn more about The Spring and their cause, visit thespring.org
perspective. Perspective is spelled p e r s, p e c t, I, v e perspective, the 30 000 foot view perspective put on someone else's shoes. Perspective can also refer to the state of existing in space or one's view of the world. Perspective rea audio space, or one's view of the world Perspective.
Speaker 2:REA Audio Reemployability. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Its intent is to bring to the forefront the needs, experiences and voices of survivors. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, over one in three women it's over 35% and one in four men over 28% in the US have experienced rape, physical violence and or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. So we'd like to spend some time to bring this issue to the forefront and help you understand the truly devastating impact domestic violence has, not only on those directly affected, but the people in their lives as well. Mindy Murphy is the president and CEO of the Spring of Tampa Bay, a local organization that provides safe spaces and empowering services to survivors of domestic violence and their children. Reemployability is proud to be a supporter of the Spring and to call Mindy a friend.
Speaker 1:October was first declared as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month in 1989. Since then, October has been a time to acknowledge domestic violence survivors and be a voice for its victims.
Speaker 2:Mindy Murphy, thank you again for being with us on REA Audio. It is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and I think this is probably the third or fourth time that we've been fortunate to have you on. We've been fortunate to have you on, and I feel bad because we should have you on more than just in October, because domestic violence is an issue that doesn't just happen in October, and so I promise, if you're available, we would like to have you on, you know, more times throughout the year so that we can continue to bring some attention to this, this tragedy that's in our country and across the world. I'd like to start by just kind of if you could help us understand what is the definition of domestic violence, and has that changed over the years?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so there are two definitions of domestic violence and one is the legal definition. Each state will have a slightly different legal definition of domestic violence, as well as the federal government, and the legal definitions are tied to the relationship between the parties. So you know, are you husband and wife? Or husband and husband? You know wife and wife? Did you live together as if a family? Do you have a child in common Right? And then they're also tied to very specific acts of physical or sexual violence for which you can be arrested. So that definition is, frankly, it's, very narrow and it's the things that you can be held accountable by, you know, by law enforcement and by the courts.
Speaker 3:The working definition that all of us who actually provide direct services to survivors of domestic violence use is a much broader definition and it's really tied to one partner's use of tactics of power and control against the other partner, with the express goal of getting that partner to do what they want when they want, how they want it. So that broad definition encompasses not only physical and sexual violence, but also economic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, all of the ways in which one partner inflicts harm on the other partner. It's a much broader definition and it helps explain to survivors of domestic violence. You know that they are in fact victims of domestic violence. A lot of times they can't see it If they haven't been physically assaulted very many times or they haven't been, you know, sexually assaulted many times. They're asking am I even a victim? And the answer is yes, and sometimes those tactics are even worse, really, than the physical violence.
Speaker 2:So you mentioned that part of your definition is to where one person tries to make the other person essentially do what it is that they want them to do, make the other person essentially do what it is that they want them to do. So just you know, for clarification, it doesn't necessarily mean that there's physical harm or that the person that's perpetrating the violence is is. It's actually physical, right. The mental violence can sometimes be be worse, as you mentioned.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Is there a difference in how people may notice those two different types of domestic violence, if with a co-worker or a family member or something like that? Because I was going to ask you about that a little bit down the line. But I think it kind of makes sense here for people to kind of be aware of people that they're interacting with. What are the signs and how can we tell the difference?
Speaker 3:Yeah. So I mean, a lot of times you can see, you know if you're with. Domestic violence happens behind closed doors, right, and the partner who is perpetrating, the abuser, right, the perpetrator of domestic violence is in control. It's not a lack of control. That's another important thing. A lot of people want to equate it to anger management, like the guy just kind of lost control, right? Domestic violence is actually the exact opposite. It is a very controlled behavior and again, the abuser has figured out the tactics that he or she can use to get the desired outcome, which is usually to get their partner to cater to them, to take care of their needs first, to put them above all others, to kind of, you know, attend to their every whim. So it's very controlled. You know they choose when they're going to abuse, how they're going to abuse, what part of the body they're going to abuse. Are they going to abuse over the weekend, so that you know the person doesn't have much contact with co-workers and can't necessarily disclose so to the coworker. Sometimes you're not going to see anything, but a lot of times you're going to hear stories where you know, over time, you know a lot of survivors start with very good self-esteem, but over time, you know, the person is, their self-esteem is attacked every day, day in and day out. And so you can begin to hear, you know, survivors telling stories about the things that they have supposedly quote, unquote done wrong, right, because the abuser is telling them oh, you know, you're not a good cook, you're not a good mother, you're not a good spouse, you're not good in bed, you're ugly. No one's going to want you, and that stuff starts to spill out of their mouth sometimes. Or they're telling stories, or you're at a work, you know, event where the partners are there, the spouses are there and you see the partner, you know, making fun of their, of their wife in front of others, right, telling demeaning stories. You know minimizing the partner's competence, those things, you know. You'll see those often in families.
Speaker 3:You'll hear just this constant belittling and that is a warning sign, that's a huge warning sign that something isn't right in that relationship and it's easy to say to your friend or your coworker you know, gosh, I heard your, you know your partner saying these things about you the other day and I just want you to know that's not at all how I see you. I think you're strong and competent and beautiful and you know it sure makes me sad when I hear the person who says they love you putting you down. And then you stop, right, because you don't want to belabor the point too much. You want to just open that door so that that coworker or friend or family member knows that you've noticed the behavior and that you might be a safe person if they bravely decide to disclose that something's something's amiss in the relationship.
Speaker 3:The other way you see it happen is you're really good friends with this person, you've been friends for a long time and all of a sudden you're never seeing them anymore or they're never available to do anything. Because one of the big tactics of abusers is isolation available to do anything. Because one of the big tactics of abusers is isolation. Right, if they isolate from friends and family. If they, you know, force you to lose your job. Right, they interrupt your job, they make you late for work, they take away your car so you can't get to work and all of a sudden you're without a job. Now you've got less supports, you've got less financial support, but you also have less people that you can talk to about what's going on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think when I think of the term domestic violence, I don't think of it being that in depth or that strategic, I think, by the abuser, you know, I. So that wouldn't necessarily mean that a person that does fly off the handle and use physical violence on a very on any occasion, right, that that still counts as domestic violence, though, right.
Speaker 3:One, one hundred percent Right. If they're physically assaulting you, it's domestic, it's definitionally, that's a, that's a legal definition of domestic violence for which you can be arrested.
Speaker 3:But? But when people have an anger and you can be a an abuser right of your intimate partner and also have an anger management problem, but the people with anger management problems aren't. They're getting into fights with their coworkers, they're getting into fights with their boss, they're getting into fights in the bar. They've got road rage right. They are indiscriminate in their explosive anger. You know they can't necessarily control who they're applying the anger to. Often people who abuse their dating partners or their intimate partners are very strategic. The only person they're abusing is their intimate partner right, and they're, you know. They're the beloved neighbor who helps, you know, change your tire, you know, or help volunteers to mow your lawn right. They are concerned about their status and what people think of them in public, and so they are choosing to terrorize only their partner, and often their partner and their kids, because having being living in a household where domestic violence is being perpetrated by one partner against another also creates a 40 to 60 percent statistical likelihood increased likelihood that the children are also being abused in that relationship.
Speaker 2:When it's that intentional, it's just a whole different level of sickness in my mind. You know it almost it almost is again in my mind, similar to someone who's a murderer or something like that that is specifically intent on doing. Similar to someone who's a murderer or something like that that is, you know, specifically intent on doing harm to someone else.
Speaker 3:Well, and I use the term. You know, I always say it's like the con men of love, because when you think about you know con men or con women, right, they are manipulative, they are very calculating, they're very strategic. Everything is chosen, behavior and timing is everything in that. And abusers are the same way, right, this is absolutely strategic and tactical on their part.
Speaker 2:So in the intro I read some statistics around domestic violence. I believe we had said that one in three women one in. Four men have had it at some point. Maybe it's a little bit not quite that, right?
Speaker 3:Yeah, that statistic it gets used by some, but if you look at the research it's really more like one in seven to one in nine men. So when you tease out the, when you're looking for the actual power and control behind a use of violence, right? So, because when you ask people, has your partner ever hit you? You might get the. Well, yeah, you know she did this to me because she was mad at me. But then if you were to ask them, are you ever in fear of your partner? Does your partner use any of these other tactics to control you? The answer is no. So we see a significantly disproportionate use of power and control tactics when it's directed at women.
Speaker 2:Right, of course, and I guess my question with those statistics are those are reported instances, right? Do you have any sense of what the real numbers are reported instances right?
Speaker 3:do you have any sense of what the real numbers are? I mean, I've seen you know, I'm not a researcher by by by training at all, but I've seen some, you know, some, uh, researchers say if you take the reports and then you multiply them by three, uh, you know, uh, you might get, you know, so, uh, you might get a more accurate picture of the amount of violence that's occurring in a community or in a nation or in a you know, or in the world.
Speaker 2:So that's disturbing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, really, I mean at that level.
Speaker 2:Yeah, is domestic violence something that is generational?
Speaker 3:Certainly it is statistically significantly more likely if you grew up in a home where where one partner abused the other partner. That if you're, you know. Generally speaking, if you're a little girl growing up in that home, you become much more likely to become a victim, and when you grow up, if you're a little boy growing up in that home, you become much more likely to become a perpetrator. It doesn't mean that it's going to happen. There are plenty of people who grew up, you know there are plenty of little kids who grew up in abusive households where either the abuse was directly perpetrated against them or they were witnessing domestic violence, where they're able to connect the dots and say with that what's going on there, Like my dad or my mom doing that, that's not good, that's not what adults should do and I'm not going to do that. So you have kids who grow up in these households and and and actively choose, like I'm going to go down a different path. But far too many kids don't have the opportunity to do that either because you know, they weren't wired as innately to be as resilient, maybe, as another kiddo.
Speaker 3:But often there's some research that says a kid, by the time they're seven or eight if they're growing up and being abused or witnessing abuse, if they can form a connection to another adult and it doesn't have to be like you know, I see this adult every day. It could be the next door neighbor, like your friend Johnny's you know mom and dad, or your next door neighbor or your coach or or your teacher at school or somebody in your church, but there's some adult that is loving and caring and demonstrates what good adults like, a good, healthy relationship between adults looks like and a good, healthy relationship between adults and children looks like. There is a segment of kids who that they can hold on to that and say my parent is not a good adult, but Johnny's mom is right, and somehow that can be the spark that helps them not perpetrate in that next generation. But far too many kids repeat the cycle.
Speaker 2:It's amazing how that is kind of ingrained in us as human beings to understand what right and wrong is even when you're not being necessarily taught what right is through the example of your parents? Are you aware of any programs that kind of intervene with children to try to pull them out of that cycle?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean I think you know we the spring has programs. So we have Camp Hope America, which is an evidence based camping and mentoring program specifically for kids who witness domestic violence or experience it in their homes or experience child abuse directly, and it's a one-week sleepaway camp and then it's paired with once a month. We have pathways programs so those same kids get to do something together once a month to kind of keep that bond in between. You know, each summer when they get to go to the camp that we run for a week. So that's one program. We also have some youth advocate work that we do one-on-one with kids. But also we have an intervention program for kids who have started to use violence to solve their problems as they're moving into their teens, and so that's a six-week program that interrupts their thinking and teaches them healthy alternative conflict resolution that doesn't involve violence and overwhelming somebody with your power really has done a lot of work in preventing child abuse by intervening in at-risk families' lives early to help them. You know, see a different path.
Speaker 2:So and there's a lot of just general programs that work with kids, where there's a component of really trying to remind them that healthy relationships don't use violence to solve problems. Right Now, Mindy, when we first talked, it was we were just coming out of covid. In fact, in some places around the country they were probably still pretty immersed in it and and you had mentioned that the lockdowns really did you saw a spike in domestic violence because of that. Yeah, has there been any improvement that you've seen.
Speaker 3:It was interesting because even you know, several years out of the pandemic, the use of the intensity of the violence, that escalation didn't really dial back and we were still seeing, for several years out of the pandemic, we've still been seeing a lot of what we would term high-risk cases. So we have two advocates our INVEST team it's Intimate Partner Enhanced Violence Prevention, where we're embedded with the sheriff's office in our community and with the police departments in our community to review all the calls for law enforcement assistance regarding domestic violence and we read the narrative statement that the victim makes. We also read the statement that the law enforcement officer on scene makes and we flag certain things that we see that are criteria for heightened risk that the next time you know they're called out it might be a homicide, and so those are things like strangulation. Still, the single greatest predictor of his capacity or her capacity to kill you is if they have ever strangled you. You know. More commonly people say choked, you know, but attempted to strangle you, restrict your airflow, you know, smother you with a pillow, push you up against the wall so you can't breathe, restricting your airflow, you know, during sex, those things against your will, those things are the greatest, single greatest indicator that he has the capacity to kill you, and you should pay attention to that if that's happened in a relationship that you're in.
Speaker 3:Other things are use of violence, increased use of violence during pregnancy Right, often directed at the pregnant belly. You know if your partner, your recent partner, has lost his or her job again. You know if your partner, your abusive partner, has lost his or her job again. You know increased use of alcohol and drugs doesn't cause domestic violence. It just gives the abuser permission to perform at a higher, heightened level of violence.
Speaker 3:So all of those things are warning flags If you're getting more isolated, if your partner is getting more jealous, if your partner is tracking you, if your partner is stalking you. And the most dangerous, single greatest predictor of heightened danger is when you're leaving the relationship or you've just left the relationship, because if the partner feels like they don't have anything to lose, you know that's the time when they might say I don't have anything to lose, I'm going to kill you and I'm going to kill myself. So if they make threats of killing you, right, I'm going to kill you if you leave me. If they threaten to kill themselves in response to your you know your demands for a more equitable and safer relationship. Those are all things that should have you making plans for your own safety.
Speaker 2:So tell us about those plans. How do people safely exit a relationship that's like that?
Speaker 3:The single greatest thing that you can do is to work with the domestic violence center in your area. In the state of Florida there are 41 certified domestic violence centers. We cover all 67 counties in our state and most states have a statewide coalition and then have a series of direct service providers, like the Spring of Tampa Bay here in here in Tampa. So reaching out, calling the hotline to safety plan, we are, you know we are not the experts in your story. You know best what's happened to you and what your abuser's propensity for escalating violence is, but we are experts in asking questions to help you formulate the best plan for yourself. And that plan changes over time. A safety plan is not, you know, like one and done. You just create it and then you just follow it for the next, you know, 12 months. Safety changes as circumstances change. So reaching out to a certified domestic violence center, if it's, even if it's only over the phone or text, we can help you plan. And then other things you know figuring out who are some trusted individuals. You know that you can tell what's going on and maybe have a safe word that you create where, if you call right, I call my friend Susie and I say, you know, popcorn like heightens and knows something's not right. And she, you know, and that means get you know, call 911, get services out, get someone out to help me.
Speaker 3:So packing a go bag down here it's easy because unfortunately we have hurricanes like we've just experienced. But you can, you know, say I'm just what's that bag you've got there. You know, girlfriend, that's just my safety, my hurricane safety kit here I made one for you too. But in your hurricane kit you make sure you have your important papers right Copies of if you've got kids, copies of their birth certificates, all the stuff you need if you flee in the middle of the night, or you flee in the middle of the day because your partner's not there and you need to enroll your kids in school, you need to get them vaccinated, everything that you need to restart your life. You should have a copy and a go bag.
Speaker 3:If you live in the Midwest, you know, and there's, you're prone to tornadoes. It's your tornado go bag, right, you, if it's not safe to keep it at home, keep it at a friend's house, because that's one of the hardest things. When survivors leave, they often flee with very little and it can be very painful to try and get tracked down. You know the records you need to to rent an apartment, to enroll your kids in school, et cetera. So having that ready is a really huge step. But really just thinking about you know, if I do this what will his response be?
Speaker 2:And anticipating those responses and taking kind of evasive protective actions, so, mindy, we'll provide the link to the Springs website if folks are listening here in Tampa Bay. We have folks that listen across the country. So, as you mentioned, there are resources everywhere. What's a good way for someone to look up what their local resource is?
Speaker 3:So often. The easiest thing is to Google your state coalition. So you type in Missouri, right Domestic Violence Coalition, and the coalition will pop up Michigan Domestic Violence Coalition. California, right, oregon, california, oregon. Wherever you are, there is a coalition, a state domestic violence coalition. Sometimes it's a dual coalition, it's both the Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition. But if you type in your state's name and the words Domestic Violence Coalition, that will pop up and the coalition one of the things.
Speaker 3:All coalitions provide training and technical assistance in the state that they reside in to the direct service providers. But almost all of them also give a listing by zip code of the direct service providers. So then you can say you know, I've typed Illinois State Coalition, I put in my you know my zip code in in Chicagoland and up pops the direct service providers for my area and all of us have. We all run hotlines right that are 24-7. State coalitions also all have 24-7 hotlines, most of them. So you can call, you can also get connected that way. A lot of us have text to chat. So if you don't want to talk on the phone, you can text and resources can be texted back to you if it's safe.
Speaker 2:I would imagine you would ask people who may be experiencing domestic violence to err on the side of caution. I can envision someone who might hear this and be like well, I don't know if it's really affecting me or not. Should I call? You probably want them to call, right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, always call Right no-transcript that you stay with them and you attend to their needs. And so sometimes, by the time you realize something's wrong, you're questioning yourself, because emotional abuse and psychological abuse that's the whole goal is to get you to think that you're the one making this up and it's all in your mind. So just having a conversation with somebody, even if you're not ready to make a change, those questions that they ask might get you to really understand. Yeah, I'm not imagining this. This isn't healthy. And now I know that there's a resource in my community when I'm ready to make that difficult and dangerous step of leaving.
Speaker 2:What's the best way for people to help the spring here, locally or nationally?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean. So obviously I'm never going to, you know, not say money, right, money. You know money equals mission, right? You can't deliver mission without money because you need money to keep the lights on. You need money to serve. We serve. You know money equals mission, right? You can't deliver mission without money because you need money to keep the lights on. You need money to serve, we serve.
Speaker 3:You know, like 46,000, some insane number of meals a year in our emergency shelter. Right, we provide a full-service kitchen. So you've got to put food on the table for 128 people living in our shelter, half of whom are kids. We have a scattered site housing program, so 12 apartments plus about another 40 families that we serve outside of those apartments. So money fuels the direct service to the survivors. It also enables well-qualified, professionally trained staff to provide those services.
Speaker 3:The other thing we always need is stuff right. So we have a donation center that takes gently used clothing and furniture, because when a family does flee domestic violence and we help get them set up in a new apartment, they need beds and they need pots and pans to cook and they need, you know, bags of rice and peanut butter and, you know, cereal to feed their families in a new place. So almost every domestic violence well, every domestic violence center is going to tell you they need money and most every domestic violence center is going to tell you they also need stuff to help those families get back on their feet. The other way you can help is by being a resource right, simply making sure that you know the domestic violence center in your area so that if somebody does you know, have some warning signs or they come to you, you don't have to be the hero, you can simply say, hey, I know a resource and it's free.
Speaker 3:You know we in the state of Florida are really blessed because 30 of the 41 domestic violence centers also have attorneys on staff that provide free legal representation. We happen to have seven on staff here in Tampa, we have one on staff in Marion County, in Ocala, and one in North Florida to serve the counties in the Panhandle. So you know there are domestic violence like attorneys that you can get free of charge. Be in a relationship that's dangerous. Give your domestic violence center a little bit of money or a little bit of stuff to help survivors get back on their feet.
Speaker 2:Mindy, you all do absolutely tremendous work.
Speaker 2:I still recall the tour that you had given me a few years back and you know the school that you had and the meals and the places for people to stay. It floors me what good things you do and how much I appreciate our opportunity for reemployability, to be a partner with you, and you're taking a few minutes out of your day to talk to us, and I hope we can bring some awareness to folks. And I would just ask you know it's great to wear a pin or you know a color that represents the awareness month that it is, but if you would actually make a move and do something to help your local shelter in some way, I think that would be tremendous. So please take some action, folks, because this is this is scary stuff and you can really make a difference. So thank you.
Speaker 3:Thank you, Todd. Really appreciate reemployability and all you do to help survivors of domestic violence.
Speaker 2:As workers comp professionals, we have unique opportunities and windows into the lives of many people. Please, if you suspect there may be domestic violence happening with someone you know or work with, consider the steps that Mindy talked about. Know how to contact your local domestic violence resource and don't be afraid to take action.
Speaker 1:If you're looking for support. There are 29 abuse and domestic violence hotlines in United States. Call a domestic violence hotline, seek out shelters or see a health care provider for additional resources and support.
Speaker 2:Thanks for listening to REA Audio. Please make sure to follow us on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or Stitcher or wherever you get your podcasts. We appreciate you. Have a great rest of your week.
